200 Motels—The Suites

Overture

Chorus

LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA

Narrator

LADIES 'N GENTLEMEN
THE TRUE STORY OF

Chorus

TWO HUNDRED MOTELS

Narrator

TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
LIFE ON THE ROAD!

Chorus

WHEE!

SHH!

Narrator

LADIES 'N GENTLEMEN!
HERE HE IS!
LARRY THE DWARF!

Chorus

YAY!

Narrator

LARRY LIKES TO DRESS UP FUNNY. TONIGHT HE IS DRESSED UP LIKE FRANK ZAPPA. LET'S ASK HIM WHAT'S THE DEAL.

Went On The Road

Group

WENT ON THE ROAD
FOR A MONTH TOURING
WHAT A DRAG
Y' GOTTA GO
EVEN IF Y'D RATHER BE AT HOME
FLAKED OUT
IN HOLLYWOOD
DROVE TO INGLEWOOD AND THEN WE DUMPED
ALL OUR SHIT AND TOOK A PLANE AT FIVE-O-THREE
WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
CHICKEN, BEEF OR TURKEY?
LA LA LA LA
WOULD YOU LIKE A SNACK?

WE JUST ARRIVED
GEE, THIS PLACE IS THRILLING

Centerville

Group

CENTERVILLE
A REAL NICE PLACE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS UP
CENTERVILLE
IT'S REALLY NEAT!

CHURCHES!
CHURCHES!
AND LIQUOR STORES!

Morning In Centerville

Group

BOWLING ALLEYS!
JUST LIKE GLENDALE!

LOOK!
OVER THERE . . .
IT'S A RANCID BOUTIQUE!

This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich

This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue)

Group

THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN WE'RE IN IS JUST A
SEALED TUNA SANDWICH WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED
WE GET A FEW IN EVERY TOUR
I THINK WE PLAYED THIS ONE BEFORE

Tuna Fish Promenade

Group

THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN
IS A SEALED TUNA SAMWICH
SEALED TUNA SAMWICH
WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED
IT'S BY BALONEY ON THE RACK
IT GOES FOR FORTY CENTS A WHACK
IT'S JUST A PLACE FOR US TO PLAY
TO HELP US PAY
THE COST OF THE TICKETS BACK TO L.A.
THE COST OF THE TICKETS BACK TO L.A.
THE COST OF THE TICKETS BACK TO L.A.

ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE SAMWICH TOWN
THINK THE PLACE IS GREAT!
WHAT IF PART OF IT'S CRUMBLIN' DOWN
MOST 'O THEM PROB'LY WON'T BE 'ROUND

THEY'LL EITHER BE DEAD
OR MOVED TO SAN FRANCISCO
WHERE EVERYBODY THINKS THEY'RE HEAVY BUSINESS

IT'S JUST A TUNA SANDWICH
FROM ANOTHER CATERING SERVICE

Dance Of The Just Plain Folks

This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Reprise)

Group

THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN WE'RE IN IS JUST A
SEALED TUNA SANDWICH WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED
WE GET A FEW IN EVERY TOUR
THEY'RE ALWAYS SUCH A FUCKING BORE

Howard

I CAN'T WAIT TILL WE BLOW THIS PLACE AND GET TO A TOWN WITH A LOT OF HOT ACTION

The Sealed Tuna Bolero

Group

THIS TOWN
THIS TOWN
IS A SEALED TUNA SAMWICH
SEALED TUNA SAMWICH

Chorus

WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED

Group

WITH THE WRAPPER GLUED

Chorus

IT'S BY BALONEY ON THE RACK

Group

IT GOES FOR FORTY CENTS A WHACK
IT'S JUST A RANCID LITTLE SNACK
IN A PLASTIC PACK
FROM A MATRON IN LA HABRA WITH A BLOWN-OUT CRACK
WHO DIES TO SUCK THE FRINGE OFF OF JIMMY CARL BLACK!

The Restaurant Scene

Cowboy Burt

HEY! WHO ARE THESE DUDES?
ARE YOU A BOY?
OR A GIRL? HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Chorus

OR A TURKEY? HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Cowboy Burt

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

I WONDER IF THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN PLAY SOMETHIN' I MIGHT LIKE . . .

Chorus

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Cowboy Burt

HEY TWERP . . . PLAY ME A TUNE I CAN ENJOY!

Touring Can Make You Crazy

What's The Name Of Your Group?

Soprano

I DON'T KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT YOU
I'M NEW AT THIS, YOU SEE
WE JUST CAME TO DO AN INTERVIEW
INTERVIEW
I'LL JUST GET OUT MY LITTLE NOTEBOOK AND PEN

I ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE WORKING MY TAPE RECORDER BECAUSE I'M NOT VERY MECHANICAL . . .

I CAN NEVER GET IT TO WORK WHEN I WANT IT, WHICH IS WHY I GOT MY NOTEBOOK WITH ME HERE

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW YOU'RE FEELING
ABOUT THE WORLD TODAY
BY THE WAY, WHAT DO YOU CALL YOUR GROUP
CALL YOUR GROUP

WHAT THE HECK DO YOU CALL YOUR GROUP?

Chorus

YAH YAH YAH

Soprano

I BET IT'S SOMETHING FREAKY AND OBSCENE
AN' OUTA SITE!
YEAH
I BET WHATEVER THE NAME OF YOUR GROUP IS
THAT IT'S REAL FAR OUT AN' GROOVY

Chorus

I'LL BET IT IS
REAL
REAL FAR OUT AN' GROOVY
REALLY GROOVY

Soprano

I BET YOUR GROUP NAME IS REAL WEIRD 'CAUSE YOU LOOK WEIRD YOURSELF . . .

SO MANY GROUPS GOT SUCH WEIRD NAMES TODAY. IT'S SO HARD TO CATCH UP ON IT.

YOU DON'T MIND IF WE GET SOME PICTURES, DO YOU?

WE GOT ALL KINDS OF CAMERAS AND BULBS AND WIDE ANGLE LENSES TO MAKE YOU LOOK . . .

. . . JUST LIKE A DEPRAVED TROLL, OR SOMETHING OF THAT NATURE . . . MAKE YOU LOOK REAL WEIRD AND FAR FUCKIN' OUT!

I'LL JUST STICK THIS LENS IN HERE AND FIX IT SO YOU LOOK LIKE A CREEP

THE KIDS WHO READ OUR ROCK & ROLL NEWSPAPER LIKE TO SEE FAMOUS MUSICIANS WHO LOOK FAR OUT & GROOVY

Chorus

REAL FAR OUT,
FAR FUCKING OUT,
FAR FUCKING OUT 'N GROOVY

Soprano

I'LL GET THIS SHOT AND THEN I'LL GET MY BOOK
AND ASK A BUNCH MORE FASCINATING STUFF

Chorus

WHEN IS YOUR NEXT L.P. TO BE RELEAS'D
AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GROWING YOUR;
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GROWING YOUR HAIR
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ENGLAND YET
AND HOW DO THEY LIKE YOUR MUSIC OVER THERE?
HOW DO THEY LIKE IT THERE

Soprano

HOW DO THEY LIKE IT?

Chorus

HOW DO THEY LIKE IT?
HOW DO THEY LIKE YOUR MUSIC OVER THERE?
OVER THERE

Soprano

I BET THE FIRST TIME YOU WENT OVER THERE IT WAS REALLY EXCITING AND HEAVY AND FAR FUCKIN' OUT . . .

I BET IT WAS GROOVY VIBES OVER THERE . . . SO EUROPEAN!

I CAN JUST IMAGINE YOU AND YOUR LITTLE GROUP . . . GOING ALL OVER EUROPE . . . PARIS . . . ROME

. . . ESSEN, EVEN THE VIENNESE WOODS!

Wait a minute . . . I just want to verify a rumor I heard. Is it true that in the Autumn of 1968, you and a bunch of other crazed buffoons actually held a secret rehearsal with members of the B.B.C. Symphony in the back room of an exotic Old English pub out on Seven Sisters Road, and there unbeknownst to the outside world at large did proceed to illicitly manufacture a semi-pornographic situation comedy Rock & Roll stage show based on all the reasons why everybody wants to quit your group . . . whatever you call it.

Isn't it also true that you put this show together, against all known laws of man and nature (including costumes) in three days, except for the music you wrote in some moderately extravagant Viennese hotel? The same hotel where you made some questionable 16mm movies of your wife and an unidentified foot?

It has also been rumored that you persisted in mounting your silly little production, even against the best judgement of Herbie Cohen, having the audacity to perform it twice in one night at the very Royal Festival Hall itself, whereupon it swiftly received a Chris Welch MELODY MAKER review, pronouncing it totally rancid and devoid of relevant social comment, and/or minimum entertainment value.

I DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT YOUR STUFF,
I BEEN A LITTLE BUSY
THIS WON'T TAKE LONG,
JUST A FEW QUESTIONS

THIS WON'T TAKE LONG,
JUST A FEW QUESTIONS,
JUST A FEW QUESTIONS

THIS WON'T TAKE LONG

Can I Help You With This Dummy?

Rance

CAN I
AHEM

Soprano

OH! YOU STARTLED ME!
MMM!
MM, MM MM, AHH
MM, OOOH

Rance

CAN I HELP YOU WITH THIS DUMMY?

Soprano

HE'S NOT VERY VERY HEAVY
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA! JUST LOOK AT THIS . . .
. . . DUMMY

A SILLY DUMMY LIKE THIS COULD NEVER BE VERY HEAVY . . .

Rance

HO! HO! HO!

Soprano

HEH HEH HEH

Rance

YOU WERE PERFORMING AN UNNATURAL ACT WITH THAT DUMMY!

Soprano

NO! I WASN'T . . . REALLY

Rance

YOU WERE GETTING HOT WITH IT . . . I SAW YOU RUBBING . . .

Soprano

WHAT DO YOU . . . WHAT SORT OF A . . . WHY SHOULD A PERSON LIKE MYSELF BE . . .

Rance

HEH, HEH, HEH . . . I SAW YOU!

ALL THE WAY FROM OVER THERE I SAW YOU!

Soprano

NO . . . NO . . . NO!

Rance

YOU WERE BEATING OFF OR SOMETHING . . . YOU WERE WORKING UP TO BEATING OFF . . .

Soprano

NO . . . NO . . . NO . . . NO!

Rance

YOU WERE RUBBING YOUR TITS WITH THE DEFORMED HAND OF A DUMMY!

Soprano

NO! NO!

Rance

SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON EVERY ONE OF YOU!

Soprano

NO! OH, I'M SO ASHAMED!

Rance

YOU ROCK + ROLL INTERVIEWERS ARE ALL ALIKE!

Soprano

YES, OH YES . . . I'M SO TERRIBLY ASHAMED!

Rance

MASTURBATING! MASTURBATING! MASTURBATING!

Soprano

YES . . . YES . . . OH, YOU CAUGHT ME DOING IT!

MOSTLY I JUST DO IT WITH A TYPEWRITER . . .

Rance

DID YOU GET ANY GRATIFICATION?

Soprano

LOTS OF GREAT PICTURES . . .

The Pleated Gazelle

Frank

ONE NIGHT I COULDN'T GET ANY ACTION AFTER THE CONCERT . . .

I WENT BACK TO THE HOTEL BY MYSELF

I MADE SOME INSTANT COFFEE AND I TOOK OUT THE MUSIC I'D BEEN WORKING ON . . .

A PIECE FOR VOICE AND SMALL ENSEMBLE . . .

IT WAS CALLED: "I HAVE SEEN THE PLEATED GAZELLE"

Narrator

GAZELLE?

Soprano

I HAVE SEEN THE PLEATED GAZELLE
GUHH-ZAY-LL
GUHH-ZILLE
GAH-ZILLE
G' ZEL GUHH G G G G G

Frank

SOME PEOPLE MIGHT WONDER WHY A PERSON MIGHT WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THIS . . .

Soprano

GUH GUH G G
GAW-ZALE
GUH GUH GOO G G

Frank

IT'S NOT PRETTY AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL

Soprano

GOO-EE-OO
GOO-AH-GOO
GOO-EE

Frank

BUT THAT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME WHILE I WAS WRITING IT . . .

I JUST WROTE DOWN WHATEVER CAME TO MIND . . . I FIGURED I'D NEVER GET TO HEAR IT ANYWAY

IT OCCURED TO ME LATER THAT NIGHT, THAT IF (BY SOME CHANCE) THE PLEATED GAZELLE WAS EVER PERFORMED, THE AUDIENCE MIGHT LIKE IT BETTER IF IT HAD A STORY.

SO I MADE UP A STORY . . .

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A GIRL . . .

SHE ALWAYS WORE A GREEN WOOL OVERCOAT

WITH PLASTIC FISH AND VIENNA SAUSAGES PINNED ON IT . . .

ON THE SHOULDERS

SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH A BOY WHO ALWAYS TREATED HER WRONG

ONE DAY SHE FLIPPED OUT . . .

Chorus

GUHH-ZILLE
GAH-ZILLE
G' ZEL GUHH G G G G G
GUH GUH G G
GAW-ZALE
GUH GUH GOO G G

Soprano

GOO-EE-OO
GOO-AH-GOO
GOO-EE

Frank

SHE HAD A TERRIBLE FIGHT WITH HER OLD BOY FRIEND ONE NIGHT. SHE TOLD HIM TO GO AWAY AND BEAT HIM WITH A PLASTIC FISH. SHE ATE SOME VIENNA SAUSAGES TO CALM DOWN. THEN SHE MET A NEWT RANCHER . . . A YOUNG LAD WHO RAISED NEWTS SO RICH PEOPLE COULD HAVE COATS MADE OUT OF THEM. SHE LOVED HIM A LOT, AND THEY STARTED SHACKING UP ON THE RANCH WHERE HE GREW THE NEWTS. EVERYTHING WAS FINE EXCEPT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH AN INDUSTRIAL VACUUM CLEANER . . .

Soprano 1

DEW
ON THE NEWTS WE GOT

Tenor 1

NEWT MONEY DUE
IT'S A PAYMENT ON THE RENTAL
FOR THE DEWY LITTLE NEWTS
WE GOT

WE GOT 'EM DEWY

Soprano 1

LEFT 'EM IN THE YARD ALL NIGHT
HOPE THEY DIDN'T GET UP TIGHT
THE LITTLE VIXENS
THE SAUCY LITTLE VIXENS
I HOPE THEY DIDN'T GET PISSED OFF

I HOPE
THAT THEY
DID NOT
DID NOT
I HOPE
THAT THEY
DID NOT
DASH OFF
IN TO THE NIGHT!

Frank

THE GIRL WAS AFRAID OF THE DARK AND THE NIGHT AND SOMETIMES THE NEWTS . . . BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING SHE WAS GETTING WORRIED ABOUT THE YOUNG LAD'S ATTACHMENT TO THE INDUSTRIAL VACUUM CLEANER. WHENEVER HE HAD TO GO OUT AT NIGHT AND SEE IF THE NEWTS HAD DASHED OFF, SHE'D STAY HOME AND KNIT BIG SOCKS, SOBBING TO HERSELF.

The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts

Brass & Woodwinds

BLORP!
BLORP
TSS

Chorus

THE LAD SEARCHES THE NIGHT FOR HIS NEWTS

Brass & Woodwinds

BLORP!
TSSS-T

Strings

BLORP! BLORP!

Woodwinds

BLORP

Motorhead's Midnight Ranch

Frank

THEN HE'D COME HOME ALL TIRED OUT. SHE'D PUT DOWN THE BIG SOCK SHE WAS WORKING ON AND LOOK UP AT HIM, LONGINGLY . . . SHE WANTED HIM TO LOVE HER JUST AS MUCH AS HE LOVED HIS INDUSTRIAL VACUUM CLEANER AND THE NEWTS IN THE YARD. SHE DREAMED OF WAYS TO WIN HIS LOVE . . .

The Girl's Dream

Narrator

THE GIRL WANTS TO FIX HIM SOME BROTH

Soprano

TINSEL COCK

Chorus

DOO-WEEOO
TINSEL COCK MY BABY

Soprano

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BROTH?

Narrator

SOME NICE SOUP.

Soprano

SOME HOT BROTH?

Chorus

YUM!

Narrator

SMALL DOGS IN IT.

Soprano

HMM?

Chorus

DOGGIES

Soprano

DO YA?

Narrator

YOU LIKE BROTH?

Chorus

DOO WAD'N' UM

Narrator

DOG BROTH?

Soprano

HOT BROTH?

Chorus

HOT DOG BROTH

Narrator

YOU LIKE
DOG BROTH HOT?

Soprano

HOT DOG DE BRIS?

Chorus

DEBRIS!

Narrator

HOW D' YA LIKE IT?

Chorus

DOG BREATH?
DOG BROTH?
DOG BREATH BROTH?

Narrator

DEBRIS?
OF THE FOUR STYLES
OFFERED:
DEBRIS, BROTH, BREATH
AND THE EVER POPULAR, HYGIENIC

Soprano

DOO DOO
DOO DOO

Narrator

EUROPEAN VERSION
TINSEL COCK!

Soprano & Chorus

TINSEL COCK

Narrator

WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE?

THE GIRL

Chorus

DUH GIRL WANTS TA FIX HIM SOME BROTH

Narrator

IN A STATEMENT TO THE PRESS

Chorus

D-D-D-DUHHH

Narrator

EXPLAINS . . .

Soprano

BROTH REMINDS ME OF NUNS

Chorus

NUNS
NUNS
NUNS

Soprano

I SEE THEM SMASHING

Chorus

KIDS

Soprano

WITH RULERS

Chorus

BAP!

Soprano

DISCIPLINING MUNCHKIN CRETINS
TORTURED MUNCHKINS
TORTURED MUNCHKIN
IRISH CATHOLIC VICTIMS

Chorus

MUNCHKIN CRETINS
MUNCHKIN VICTIMS

Soprano

LITTLE GREEN SCRATCHY SWEATERS

Chorus

SWEATERS

Soprano

LITTLE GREEN SCRATCHY ONES

Chorus

CORDUROY PANTS

Soprano

BROWN CORDUROY PANTS

Chorus

DOO AH
DOO AH

Soprano

CORDUROY PANTS
AN' GREEN SCRATCHY
MUNCHKIN IRISH CATHOLIC VICTIMS

Chorus

MUNCHKINS
MUNCH-A-KINS

Soprano

MUNCHKINS GET ME HOT

Chorus

OO AH

Soprano

MUNCHKINS GET ME GET ME EE
OO AH EE OO

Chorus

MUNCHKINS
(BUNG)
(MOO)
GET ME
(HOT!)
TOO
(POOP!)
(MOO)
OO EE AH

Narrator

HOT!
GETS HER REAL HOT!

Soprano

AH
YEAH YEAH
PORK ME!

Narrator

A CARDBOARD BOX . . .
A SERIES OF CARDBOARD BOXES . . .
WITH A NUN SUIT PAINTED
ALL OVER THEM.
FOUR VIEWS . . .
EVERY SIDE OF THE BOXES . . .

ANOTHER THRILLING
VIEW OF A BLACK AND
STARCH-Y NUN SUIT . . .
. . . INSPIRING IN ITS
SIMPLICITY . . .
QUALITY GOODS . . .

Soprano

PORK
ME
OFF

Narrator

WEASELS;
VIENNA SAUSAGES;
VERY SMALL DOGS;
INSPIRED BY ITS SIMPLICITY . . .
NEARLY ABLE TO
GET OFF BEHIND IT . . .

Soprano

TINSEL COCK

Narrator

(MUNCHKINS GET HER HOT 'N DEWEY)

Chorus

DOO-WEE OO
(BOW DOOM)
TINSEL COCK ME DADDY

Soprano

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BROTH?
SOME HOT BROTH?
HMM?
DO YA?

Chorus

YUM!
HMM
DOGGIES IN IT
DOGGIES IN IT

Narrator

SOME NICE SOUP.
SMALL DOGS IN IT.
DOGS!
DOG-FEET!
YOU LIKE BROTH?

Chorus

DOO
WAD' N' UM
DOG FEET BROTH!
YUMMY
DEBRIS!
NEWTS!
HOT NUNS
BLORP!

Narrator

DOG FEET?
YOU LIKE NUNS?
GAZELLES?
GAZELLES?

Soprano

HOT BROTH?
HOT NUN DEBRIS
AH

Narrator

GAZELLES?
HOT NUN
DEBRIS?

Frank

I FIGURED THAT IF THERE WAS A STORY . . . ESPECIALLY A LOVE STORY, THAT MORE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE COULD IDENTIFY WITH OR VICARIOUSLY PARTICIPATE IN THE CONCEPTS INVOLVING NEWTS, DOGS, GAZELLES AND HOT NUN DEBRIS.

Soprano

WHY DON'T YOU STRAP ON
THIS HERE BUNCH
OF CARDBOARD BOXES, DADDY-O
(JOY OF MY DESIRING)
YOU'LL CERTAINLY LOOK SUAVE
AND GET ME HOT
HOT
HOT
GET ME HOT AND HORNY

Chorus

AH OO
DOO WAH DOO WAH DOO WAH

Soprano

IF THERE'S ONE THING I REALLY GET OFF ON

Chorus

YOINNGG!

Soprano

IT'S A NUN SUIT PAINTED ON SOME OLD BOXES
SOME OLD MELODIES
FOUR-FOUR
AN AURA . . .
AN AREOLA . . .
PINK GUMS . . .
STUMPY GRAY TEETH . . .
DENTAL FLOSS
GETS ME HOT

WANNA WATCH A DENTAL HYGIENE MOVIE?

The Dental Hygiene Movie Music

I'm Stealing The Room

Chorus

TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
TAN-TOON RAN-TAN NA-NA-HAN-NNNN
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS

Jeff

I'M STEALING THE TOWELS

Chorus

NA-NA-NAH

Jeff

I'M STEALING THE ASHTRAY . . .

HA-NIN-NOO-NOON TAN-TOON-RAN

Donovan (Good Conscience)

NO, JEFF!

Jeff

TAN-TOON-RAN-TOON-HAN-TOON-RAN-IN
TAN-TOON-RAN-TOON-HAN-TOON-RAN-IN

Donovan

NO NO NO!

Jeff

MAN! THIS STUFF IS GREAT! IT'S JUST AS IF DONOVAN HIMSELF HAD APPEARED ON MY VERY OWN TV . . . WITH WORDS OF PEACE, LOVE AND ETERNAL COSMIC WISDOM!

RAN T TOON TOON TAN TOON TOON . . .

LEADING ME . . . GUIDING ME ON PATHS OF EVERLASTING PSEUDO-KARMIC NEGLIGENCE IN THE VERY MIDST OF MY DRUG-INDUCED . . .

. . . NOCTURNAL EMISSION

Donovan

. . . FOR I AM YOUR GOOD CONSCIENCE, JEFF, I KNOW ALL . . .

. . . I SEE ALL . . . I AM A COSMIC LOVE PULSE MATRIX BECOMING A TECHNICOLOR INTER-POSITIVE

Jeff

HEH?

. . . WHERE'D YOU BUY THAT INCENSE?

IT'S HIP.

Donovan

IT'S THE SAME MYSTERIOUS AND EXOTIC ORIENTAL FRAGRANCE AS WHAT THE BEATLES GET OFF ON.

Jeff

I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED IT

MMMM, WHAT IS THAT? MUSK?

Donovan

JEFF, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU.

Jeff

RIGHT

YOU'RE HEAVY . . .

Donovan

YES, JEFF. I'M YOUR GUIDING LIGHT . . . LISTEN TO ME . . . DON'T RIP OFF THE TOWELS, JEFF!

Ginger (Bad Conscience)

PISS OFF, YOU LITTLE NITWIT

Jeff

HEY MAN . . . WHAT'S THE DEAL?

Donovan

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, JEFF. HE'S NO GOOD . . . HE'LL MAKE YOU DO BAD THINGS!

Jeff

YOU MEAN . . . HE'LL MAKE ME SIN?

Donovan

YES, JEFF . . .
SIN

Jeff

WOW!

Ginger

JEFF, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU . . .

. . . ABOUT YOUR SOUL . . .

Donovan

NO! DON'T LISTEN, JEFF!

Ginger

WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR LIFE . . . NIGHT AFTER NIGHT PLAYING THIS COMEDY MUSIC . . .

Jeff

YOU'RE RIGHT . . . I'M TOO HEAVY TO BE IN THIS GROUP . . .

Ginger

COMEDY MUSIC . . .

Donovan

JEFF! YOUR SOUL!

Chorus

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE
YOU'RE MUCH TOO HEAVY JEFF
TO BE

Jeff

. . . IN THIS GROUP ALL I EVER GET TO DO IS PLAY ZAPPA'S COMEDY MUSIC . . . HE EATS.

Donovan

JEFF!

Jeff

I GET SO TENSE . . .

Ginger

OF COURSE YOU DO, MY BOY

Jeff

THE STUFF HE MAKES ME DO
IS ALWAYS OFF THE WALL

Ginger

THAT'S WHY IT WOULD BE BEST
TO LEAVE HIS STERN EMPLOY

Jeff

AND QUIT THE GROUP . . .

Ginger

YOU'LL MAKE IT BIG

Jeff

THAT'S RIGHT!

Ginger

OF COURSE

Jeff

AND THEN I WON'T BE SMALL!

Chorus

HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA
HE HE HE HE HE
HO HO HO HO
HA HA HA

Jeff

HEH HEH HEH

. . . MMF . . . SST . . . COUGH COUGH . . . MMF . . . AHMET ERTEGUN USED THIS TOWEL AS A BATH MAT 6 WEEKS AGO AT A RANCID MOTEL IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA, WITH THE HIGHEST MILDEW RATING OF ANY COMMERCIAL LODGING FACILITY WITHIN THE TERRITORIAL LIMITS OF THE UNITED STATES, NATURALLY EXCLUDING TROPICAL POSSESSIONS SST . . . SST . . . MMMJIGSPFFFTGMMD . . . IT'S STILL DAMP! WHAT AN AROMA!

THIS IS THE BEST I EVER GOT OFF . . . WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR? TRY IT ON STEAKS . . . CLEANS NYLONS . . . SMALL CRAFT WARNINGS.

IT'S GREAT FOR THE HOME . . . THE OFFICE . . . ON FRUITS . . .

Ginger

THIS IS THE REAL YOU JEFF . . . RIP OFF A FEW MORE ASH TRAYS, GET RID OF THAT INNER TENSION. QUIT THE COMEDY GROUP . . . GET YOUR OWN GROUP TOGETHER . . . HEAVY . . . LIKE GRAND FUNK RAILROAD

OR BLACK SABBATH!

Donovan

NO, JEFF!

Jeff

. . . OR COVEN!

Donovan

PEACE!
LOVE!

Ginger

BOLLOCKS!

Jeff

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR?

Howard

JEFF HAS GONE OUT THERE ON THAT STUFF

Donovan

HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE USED THE ELIXIR . . . AND ONLY STUCK TO THE INCENSE . . . OH ATLANTIS.

Mark

THAT WAS BILLY THE MOUNTAIN DRESSED UP LIKE DONOVAN FADING OUT ON THE WALL MOUNTED TV SCREEN JEFF IS . . . FLIPPING OUT . . . ROAD FATIGUE . . . WE GOTTA GET HIM BACK TO NORMAL BEFORE ZAPPA FINDS OUT . . . AND STEALS IT AND MAKES HIM DO IT IN THE MOVIE!

Jeff

[DELICATE PERSONAL MEMBRANES, NO SHIT HOWIE, WE JUST LIKE MUSICIANS FOR FRIENDS]

Howard

[OH, MAN! WHAT IS HIS STORY?]

Ginger

YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT CAREER AHEAD OF YOU MY BOY . . . JUST GET OUT OF THIS GROUP . . .

Howard

WHAT?

Jeff

[. . . LATEX FAUNTLEROY MASSEUSE . . .]

Mark

HOWARD! THAT WAS STUDEBAKER HOCH DRESSED UP LIKE JIM PONS GIVING CAREER GUIDANCE TO THE BASS PLAYER OF A ROCK-ORIENTED COMEDY GROUP! JEFF'S IMAGINATION HAS GONE BEYOND THE FRINGE OF AUDIENCE COMPREHENSION.

Howard

JEFF, JEFF IT'S ME THE PHLORESCENT LEECH

Jeff

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR?
(WALTER BRENNAN NOISE)

Mark

JEFF, JEFF IT'S . . . ME, EDDIE

WHAT CAN A PERSON LIKE ME SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR?

Jeff

USE IT TO CLEAN YOUR SWIMMING POOL, SELL IT TO YOUR MOTHER AND TELL HER IT'S A RIT TIE DYE KIT YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT'LL HAPPEN WHEN YOU STARCH YOUR SHIRT WITH IT. AND YOUR CAR WINDOWS NEVER LOOKED BETTER IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE, BREATH IT, PUT IT ON YOUR PIZZA, PUT IT ON YOUR SHOES, TIE YOUR WIFE WITH IT . . . (WALTER BRENNAN NOISE)

Mark

WELL, PUT IT ON YOUR STEAKS, UH SEND IT OVERSEAS, PUT IT ON YOUR SURFBOARD YOU WON'T SLIP OFF, TRY IT ON YOUR UPHOLSTERY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU CAN INHALE IT AND IT MAKES YOUR VOICE THREE KEYS HIGHER, RUB IT, HEH, HEH, AND IF YOU EVER TRIED IT AS A . . . (WALTER BRENNAN NOISE)

Howard

SOAK YOUR SHIRTS IN IT, SOAK YOUR TEETH IN IT, LET IT PLAY THE PIANO, TOW IT AROUND THE BLOCK, PUT IT ON YOUR SWIMMING POOL AND YOU CAN'T EVEN STAND WHEN YOU PUT IT IN YOUR HAIR, FILL UP YOUR TIRES WITH IT . . . (WALTER BRENNAN NOISE)

Jeff

WHAT . . .
WHAT CAN I . . .
WHAT . . .
WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS? . . .

Mark & Howard

DWEE DOO DEE-OO-POO FRAM, MINNN
HANNIN-ATT

Jeff

DOES THIS KIND OF LIFE LOOK INTERESTING TO YOU? . . .

Mark & Howard

HAN NIN-ATT

Jeff

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, DINNERS WITH HERB COHEN, THRILL-PACKED, FUN-FILLED EVENINGS, ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA AT THE MIDEM CONVENTION, A BEIGE TIE, THE WHOLE BIT, WATCH MUTT EAT AND LEON FEED THE GEESE, ONE THOUSAND GREEN BUSINESS CARDS WITH YOUR NAME AND THE WRONG ADDRESS PLUS ROYALTY STATEMENTS, INSPECTED AND CUSTOMIZED BY RANTOON TAN, HANTOON FRAMMIN, AND DEE, FOLLOWED BY TWELVE POTENTIAL SUICIDES, AS THE MEMBERS OF YOUR GROUP, PAST AND PRESENT, FIND OUT THEY CAN'T COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT? A DOG, A CAR, AN EPIDEMIC OF BODY LICE, YOUR OWN RECORD COMPANY, YOUR NAME ON THE DOOR, ELECTRIC BUZZER TO THE INNER OFFICE, AND ONA'S TITS, A THREE MONTH SUPPLY OF GERMAN BOOKINGS WITH TICKETS ON AIR RANGOON. DOES THIS KIND OF LIFE LOOK INTERESTING TO YOU? AS A FAKE ROCK AND ROLL GUITAR PLAYER IN A COMEDY GROUP?

Chorus

TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS
TAN-TOON RAN-TAN NA-NA-HAN NNNN
TWO HUNDRED MOTELS

Jeff

I'M STEALING THE ROOM
I'M STEALING THE ROOM
I'M STEALING THE
I'M STEALING THE ROOM

Chorus

I'M STEALING THE ROOM
I'M STEALING THE . . .
I'M STEALING THE ROOM
STEALING
I'M STEALING THE . . .
I'M STEALING THE . . .
I AM . . . MMM
STEEL

Strings

I AM STEEL
STEEL

Chorus

S-S-STEEL
I AM STEEL
STEEL

Shove It Right In

I. Prelude (The Girls' Rooms)

II. The Secret Stare

III. She Laughed In His Face

IV. Postlude

Penis Dimension

Mark

PENIS DIMENSION!

Howard

PENIS DIMENSION?

Group

PENIS DIMENSION IS WORRYING ME
I CAN'T HARDLY SLEEP AT NIGHT

Chorus

'CAUSE OF PENIS DIMENSION

Mark & Howard

NO!

Chorus

DO YOU WORRY?
DO YOU WORRY A LOT

Mark & Howard

NO!

Mark

DO YOU WORRY?
DO YOU WORRY AND MOAN
THAT THE SIZE OF YOUR COCK IS NOT MONSTROUS ENOUGH

Howard

NO!

Chorus

IT'S YOUR PENIS DIMENSION

Mark & Howard

PENIS DIMENSION
WAH
WAH

Mark & Howard

Hiya, friends. Now, just be honest about it . . . Did you ever consider the possibility that YOUR PENIS, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of subconscious tension?! Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to become a politician, a policeman, a Jesuit Monk, a rock & roll guitar player, a wino . . . you name it!
Or, in the case of the ladies, the ones who can't afford a silicone beef-up, they become writers of hot books . . .
"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim . . ."

Yes, or they become Carmelite Nuns . . .
". . . Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit . . ."
. . . or race horse jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the world!

Now, if you are a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school: "ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED!"

Yes, and isn't it the truth?! And if you're a guy and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool . . . I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear you're being so cool . . . and somebody hits on you one night and he looks you up and down and he says: "Eight inches or less?"
Well, let me tell you brother, that's the time when you got to turn around and look the sonafabitch right between the eyes and you got to tell him these words . . .

Rance

WHAT'S BETWEEN YOUR LEGS
IS JUST THE LAST FEW INCHES OF A COMPLEX
MECHANISM WHICH RUNS
UP AND DOWN THE SPINAL CORD
AND ALL HOOKED UP TO THE HUMAN BRAIN!

Janet & Lucy

WHICH
IF USED CORRECTLY
CAN EFFECTIVELY INCREASE
THE DIMENSIONS
AND THE FIREPOWER OF YOUR DICK

Rance

TO THE POINT, WHERE, IN SOME INSTANCES IT SHOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS A LETHAL WEAPON!

Chorus

YOUR DICK

Brass

YER DICK

Chorus

YOUR DORK

Brass

YER DORK

Chorus

YOUR PRICK

Brass

YER PRICK

Chorus

YOUR PORK

Lucy

YER PORK?

Janet

PORK?

Lucy

WHO CALLS IT A PORK? THESE MEN . . . AND THE THE STUFF THEY CALL A WEE-WEE . . .

Group

A WEE-WEE?

Rance

YOU MEAN A PENIS, DON'T YOU

Lucy

A PENIS? EEUOO . . .

Janet

PENIS IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD!

Rance

IT'S NOT THAT UGLY, REALLY . . .

Mark

SURE . . . I USE IT ALL THE TIME

Howard

SURE . . . WE ALL SAY IT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE . . .

Group

PENIS

Janet & Lucy

EEUOO

Group

PENIS!
PENIS!

Janet

IT SOUNDS SO REVOLTING THE WAY YOU GUYS SAY IT . . . EEUOO . . . KA-KA!

Janet & Lucy

KA-KA!

Rance

A PENIS CAN BE A VERY USEFULL AND EXCITING ORGAN!

Howard

. . . VERY EXCITING (ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW ME . . .)

Group

PENIS!

Lucy

IT SOUNDS SO OVERWHELMINGLY MEDICINAL . . .

Janet

A "PENIS" SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A DOCTOR WOULD HAVE HANGING OFF HIM . . .

Lucy

NONE OF THE MEN I KNOW & LOVE IN THE ROCK & ROLL BUSINESS GOT A "PENIS" . . . THEY ALL GOT COCKS OR DICKS AT LEAST!

Janet

SURE . . . YOU GO TO STRAP ON A POP STAR AND HE WANTS TO STUFF A "PENIS" UP YOU . . . WHERE IS THAT AT?

Mark

LET'S ASK OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE!

Chorus

LOO LOO LOO
LA LA LA DOO DOO DOO WAH
DEE DEE DAH DOO DOO DOO

Mark

WILL YOU TRADE WHAT HE HAS IN HIS PANTS FOR WHAT I HAVE BEHIND THIS CURTAIN?

Janet

WHAT IS IT?

Lucy

YOU MEAN WHAT'S IN HIS PANTS?

Janet

I KNOW WHAT'S IN HIS PANTS . . . HE'S A LONELY GUY.

Chorus

"TAKE THE MONEY"

Mark

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE BEFORE THE BIG WHEEL STOPS WHIRLING . . .

YOU . . . GO WHIRL THE BIG WHEEL

Lucy

CAN I JUST TAKE THE MONEY?

Janet

THERE ISN'T ANY MONEY . . . JUST THE CURTAIN AND . . .

Lucy

. . . THE LONELY GUY?

Chorus

"TAKE THE CURTAIN"

Mark

TIME IS RUNNING OUT . . . THINK IT OVER CAREFULLY!

Janet

THE CURTAIN?

Lucy

I WANT THE MONEY.

Janet

WAIT?

WHAT COULD IT BE IN THERE?

Lucy

IN HIS PANTS?

Janet

IN THE CURTAIN!

Howard

DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE WHAT'S IN MY PANTS?

Lucy

IT'S TOO LITTLE HAVE A CAR OR A REFRIGERATOR . . .

Mark

DON'T BE DECEIVED BY THE SIZE OF THE CURTAIN!

Finale: Strictly Genteel

Rance

LORD, HAVE MERCY ON THE PEOPLE IN ENGLAND,
FOR THE TERRIBLE FOOD THOSE PEOPLE MUST EAT
BWAARP!
AND MAY THE LORD HAVE MERCY ON THE FATE OF THIS MOVIE
AND GOD HELP THE MIND OF THE MAN IN THE STREET

Chorus

HELP ALL THE REDNECKS AND THE FLATFOOT POLICEMEN
WITH THE TERRIBLE FUNCTIONS THEY ALL MUST PERFORM
AND GOD HELP THE WINE-OS, THE JUNKIES AND THE WEIRDOS

Soprano

AND E'VRY POOR SOUL WHO'S ADRIFT IN THE STORM.

Chorus

HELP E'VRY BODY SO THEY ALL GET SOME ACTION,
SOME LOVE ON THE WEEKEND, SOME REAL SATISFACTION

Dwarf

A ROOM AND A MEAL
AND A GARBAGE DISPOSAL
A LAWN AND A HOSE'LL
BE STRICTLY GENTEEL

Group

REACH OUT YOUR HAND TO THE GIRL IN THE DOG BOOK
THE GIRL IN THE PIG BOOK AND THE ONE WITH THE HORSE
MAKE SURE THEY KEEP ALL THOSE BUSINESSMEN HAPPY
AND THE PURPLE-LIPPED CENSORS AND THE GERMANS, OF COURSE

Group & Chorus

HELP EVERY BODY, SO THEY ALL GET SOME ACTION,
SOME LOVE ON THE WEEKEND, SOME REAL SATISFACTION

Group

A SWEDISH APPARATUS
WITH A HOOD AND A BLUDGEON
WITH A MICROWAVE OVEN
HONEY, HOW DOES IT FEEL YEAH

LORD HAVE MERCY ON THE HIPPIES AND FAGGOTS
AND THE DYKES AND THE WEIRD LITTLE CHILDREN THEY GROW

HELP THE BLACK MAN
HELP THE POOR MAN
HELP THE MILK MAN
HELP THE DOOR MAN
HELP THE LONELY, NEGLECTED OLD FARTS THAT I KNOW

Rance

It's been swell having you with us tonight, folks. [...]

Howard

[...]

Mark

[...]

Voice (Group)

Thanks for coming to the show.